REMEMBRANCE

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There is so much I feel… She said.

right now
today
most often really.

Life has a way of opening up the raw edges of our remembrance.

I hope you allow love and light into the shadows.

High Five to Your Triumph!

©2019 Te’ Werner

©Photo
Te’ journal handwriting

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COMPASSION for a Father

IMG_4120I hold the space of compassion within myself… She said.

A space that has held longing and regret. I had seen this space in my fathers own eyes before the light dimmed into his despair. His demise. His disease.  

Could I hold this space of compassion as I grieved internally for him? A life he never fully realized as a triumph. For a life that we had shared for fifty one years.

He would not look me in the eyes the last time I saw him. This past Christmas Eve. Eyes that would tell a story he hadn’t wanted to end. A life he had feared. Denied. Raged. Shared. Loved. Regretted.

He passed five days later.
He rested on the Sabbath.
He gifted me life and encouragement.

So when I stood or sat at his side. Or listened as best I could until all he could do was text as he could no longer speak. I spoke the words he could not say. The words he longed to convey. 

I forgive you papa for not being the dad. The father that I thought and knew I deserved. I know now as I have for the past umpteen years that you were being the best papa you knew to be.

I saw into the eyes of his sadness. Eyes that held such sorrow and regret. For the man I once feared. For the man he had tried to become. For the man that he dreamed of being. 

I felt compassion for the little girl. For the young scared child. For the woman I had become. For the giant of man that he once was. For the man he was now. For the frail bones and sagging skin lying before me.

I wept with him.
I forgive you papa.
I bless you. And now I must let you be.

~

This past autumn I surrounded his hospital bed with a force of my own deliverance. I surrendered to letting my farewell be what he could not say. And could not yet see. 

He feared dying. He felt he deserved this reality.
He did not believe he was worthy of forgiveness.
He did not know his own love for himself.

I wept for that man. Vowing to be done. To put the final nail in the coffin. Yet here I AM now. Nearing 3 am. Writing. Healing. Breaking further into my inner silence.

~

There was a time in my twenties that I felt that he was unforgivable. Anger. Resentment. Disappointment. Detached. Yet connected. By a love a daughter has for their father. 

Thinking that forgiveness meant he had won. So I held unto this pain. For what I could not yet see. For what I was afraid to feel. For what I was unable then to be willing to do. To go into myself. 

Until I knew. 

For a decade I stood with every emotion I could muster. Pain hanging in the silence. It wasn’t easy to show up. I shouted. I cried. I begged him to surrender. I prayed for him to die. To end this suffering. 

When you see a man. Your own father. Once handsome face be eaten slowly by cancer. Twenty years seems like an eternity. The last decade high hell. An era I call my raging forties. 

His face distorted. Disfigured. Masked fear.
His story will be told. Our story will be heard.

As I listen to the voice of my once held silence. 

A story that has been written in the depths of my heart. Pages. Long hours of weeping. “Tears for fears.” Undeniable grief. Gutted. The waiting wounded. A slain soul.

My papa my greatest life challenge and encourager. Died 29 December 2018. Seven days after I declared ‘Freedom’ as my focus. My resolve for this year. Five days after I bade him farewell. 

I smile as I hear his voice. “How’s my big girl?” 

I feel compassion as I see love in the depths of his soul. I told him that I would never come back and do this dance ever again with him and I meant it. 

The song that plays now is a slow one. I move more gently through this grief. No longer feeling hollowed out by it. But freed because I have allowed myself the space to be with Her. To empty out. To love.

I edge closer to Her. She holds this space and I feel such freedom as tears brim these eyes. Eyes that have seen more death within Her life time than most would know.  

I feel such compassion for you… She said.
Bless you father, My dear “papa”.

High Five to Your Triumph!

©Te’ Werner
excerpt from When Tears Fall

©Photo
Te’ sky gazing; Packwood, WA

 

She Wrote to Her Papa

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She wrote to Her papa.

Standing strong… She said
Happens when one accepts that there is no one way to do something.

We just need to encourage one another.
That’s why we are on this planet together.

Her Papa
One of Her greatest encouragers and life challenges. 

Duwain Isaac Werner
born 27 March 1935 in Fox Valley, SK Canada

Her Papa passed away nearly three months ago on 29 December 2018.
Today he would have been eighty four years old.

My dear Papa,
this is the first I have written about you publicly. 

I do so in this moment to heal and acknowledge your life. 

As my tears fall I know that this will not be my last that I will share of our journey.  

Because I have a lot to say. And I know that you are rolling your eyes at me.

I simply want to say thank you for always always encouraging me to shine my light.  

I AM standing strong because of you papa.  

Your fierce love in spite of the challenges life presented you is a testament to living ones truth. 

Your encouragement to speak my mind. To talk to strangers. To write. To savor sunshine. To listen. 

To encourage one another. To show up after you have been shut down. To love. 

To take a real interest in others. To celebrate magical moments. 

To laugh even with sarcasm.

To take long country drives with no destination in mind with the windows rolled down. 

These are some of the things you being my papa taught me. 

I hope now that you are in peace papa and I want you to know…

I will continue to find the courage to live in the manner in which continues to make you proud and shine my light. 

Blessings to you my dear papa.

High Five to Your Triumph!

©Te’ Werner
Excerpt from When Tears Fall

©Photo Summer 2010
Te’s Papa standing strong in golden fields of our homeland; Lacombe, Alberta

 

MAGICAL JOY

9952970E-4665-4988-AA78-BF09351D1182She lives in the magic of my joy…

As another month marks
the day that my Angel Bailey’s
physical body took its last breath

her spirit lingers longer within me.

As I let my grief wash over me
I am feeling both sorrow and love
That girl she sure knew how to love.

She gave hugs freely. She squealed with such delight when greeting those she adored. 

As I continue to make my way through the process
of grief I am knowing
to share her passing with you
as part of my healing journey.

It is hard when faced with such a loss
to open oneself up
to accept sympathy and well meaning words
of condolences.

Especially from those who think that a dog
is just a pet rather then a member
of your sacred circle
of unconditional love.

Now that I have had time
to see her empty bed space by our front door
to still hear the tinkle of her dog collar as I walk…

I begin to know that her spirit is never very far away.

She gave me the greatest gift of joy that will forever be imprinted on my soul.

High Five to My Angel Bailey!

©2018 Te’ Werner

©2017 Photo
Te’s Angel Bailey along the river’s edge; Cowiltz River, WA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRIBUTE to ANGEL BAILEY

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She lives on in the magic of my joy…

She left days after my Golden 50th birthday. She left this earth plane after her work was done. She left when her mama knew Her joy as Her own soul. 

As the summer sun faded…
our beloved Angel Bailey
took her last breath..

As tears of grief and shock
streamed down our faces
we stroked her golden fur
one last time.

Blessing
all the joy and love
she had given us.

She is so entrenched in my soul
that as my heart grieves for her physical body
to run and hike and dance with me…

She is within me
now in this magical moment
of joy in honor of my sweet girl.

I AM forever blessed and full of gratitude
that no words can really express this awareness
to continue my journey in the manner of joy as she lived.

High Five to the Triumph of Joy!

©2017 Te’ Werner
Excerpt from RISE & SHINE

©2017 Photo
Te’ and Her son with Angel Bailey along the river’s edge; Cowlitz River, WA

 

 

 

THEIR FUTURE

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“The space had opened as another door of the not too distant past closed… ushering in their future.”

Every person wonders
even laments

that they have let the years slip by
until the only thing that is pulling them

is the beckoning
of the future.

To step boldly
unknowingly

with uncertainty
into the mystery

of vast possibilities
of the unknown.

To be open
to forge a new path

where they had never gone before…
their future.

High Five to Your Triumph!

©2016 Te’ Werner
Excerpt from Rise & Shine

©2016 Photo Te’
Along the river’s edge; Cowlitz River, WA

A Tribute to my son who just graduated from high school!

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A Mother’s Reflection

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I may have never held you in my arms as an infant,
welcoming you into the world through sweat and tears.

But I have held you in my heart like a precious being.
A whisper of love.

I may have not been there to celebrate your first words,
your first steps or your first birthday.

But I have held you in my heart as we celebrated together.

I may not have been there for many
of your very early years…

I can honestly say this now as a mother.
I have loved you since I first held you in my arms.

When I first welcomed you into my world as you welcomed me.
I have loved you for the first of our life together and always.

Thank you for the firsts you have shared with me,
both your sorrows and your triumphs.

I love you very dearly and am blessed too by your love.
As your ‘bonus’ mama.

©2016 Te’ Werner

©2005 Photo my two ‘bonus’ sons “Grinning in the Rain!”

I wrote this poem for my two bonus son’s who daily teach me to love…especially the things in life we don’t always understand or want too.

This poem is also written for those of us who have had the honour of being a mom without the stretch marks to prove it! 

Enjoy celebrating the wonder of being a mother! – Te’

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